On my birthday this year (it was
last week), my husband gave me a card which said "To the wonderful woman I
married". Today we were talking about the card and he said laughing,
"I had married a wonderful woman, no doubt about it". And added gently that
but the woman I am today is not that. I cannot blame him for saying that. With each passing month I am becoming a
crankier woman. I am hardly in a happy mood. I lose my cool in triflest of
matters. I no longer enjoy any of the household chores.
Before I quit my job to move to
Delhi after marriage, I had a confidence to do anything. I fiercely guarded my
financial independence and it was my pride. My job gave me an identity and a
sense of accomplishment. But it was my bad luck that the organization I worked
for didn't have offices outside northeast India. So when I got married I had a
major decision to take. I argued that family comes first and career is not
everything. Plus I knew that being the woman I would have to make the ultimate
sacrifice. So I quit my job and moved to the capital of the country.
As I had already known, I enjoyed
the first couple months at home. I liked doing everything around the
house, taking care of things and people around the house. But I also knew that
it was only a matter of time. In the meantime I was doing my job
search and realized it was not easy as I had thought. It is a jungle out here.
I took up a part time job but practically it didn't make any sense.
Having my career at a standstill has several implications on my personal life. My forced idleness makes me
feel inadequate and wasted. I don't feel like doing any household chores either
and I just do it out of compulsion. With my financial independence gone I feel
crippled and useless. I don't broach the topic much with my husband because it
starts making him feel guilty. So it's just me. And this feeling of
helplessness is eating away my head. My idle mind is becoming the devil's
workshop. And he is happily hammering away my happiness.
I try to keep myself occupied by
reading books, writing, watching movies and trying out new recipes. But for how long?
Without a professional career, I am incomplete and unhappy. I feel the original
me is slowly withering away. I am scared that this new cranky and unhappy me
will take over completely. For I know the woman I originally was is dying bit
by bit with each passing day.
P.S.: I wrote this piece while I was between jobs and stashed it away. Today I stumbled upon it and decided to post it. I am sure working women who had put their careers on the back-burner due to personal reasons, can relate to what I went through at several points.